Love and Logic

Next week we will be observing Veterans Day, which was first observed 105 years ago as Armistice Day on November 11, 1919. In 1954, 70 years later, Armistice Day was changed to Veterans Day as a Federal holiday to honor all US Veterans.

Many of the good things that we enjoy in this country are sometimes taken for granted. We are free to stop for coffee on the way to work, push our kids on park swings, celebrate holidays and birthdays, complain about minor inconveniences, and tuck our children into bed at night. We are also able to speak our minds, raise our families in ways we believe best, choose who or what to worship, participate in government and so much more. In many ways, these things are possible because of the sacrifices made by veterans. Sacrifices that they made because of their strong sense of responsibility and purpose.

One of Love and Logic’s goals is to help parents raise kids who grow into responsible adults—adults who also have a strong sense of purpose. Early in the history of Love and Logic, we learned that responsibility cannot be taught. It simply does not work to tell a kid, “Be responsible.” In fact, we observed that many responsible children came from families in which the word responsibility was rarely used. Parents in these families help their kids learn how to be responsible by allowing them to learn from their mistakes. They help their kids learn how to solve their own problems.

Parents can also encourage their kids to develop a sense of purpose and community. One way is for parents to talk about their own sense of purpose. Let kids know what you care about, what abilities you have, how you can use those abilities to help others, and how you want to change things in society or the world. Encourage kids to think about what might give them a sense of purpose.

A strong sense of responsibility and purpose is evident in our veterans. As we honor our veterans this Veterans Day, let us never take their sacrifices for granted. We continue to be thankful as we enjoy the light of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness—all because of the sacrifices made by veterans and their families.

With gratitude to all our veterans,

Dr. Charles Fay

Do your kids make enough mistakes? I’m afraid not.

Most kids need to make a lot more mistakes while they are young, when the consequences for those mistakes are small. We all know that the cost of making bad decisions grows with the age of kids.

One mother said it this way, “Far better that my child totals her tricycle when she’s little. If I protect her from that, she’ll be more likely to total the family car when she is a teenager.”

One of the important core beliefs of Love and Logic is that every childhood mistake can be a learning experience provided there is no rescue from the consequences. When mistakes are handled with empathy and consequences, kids develop an internal voice that says, “I wonder how my next decision will affect me?” This is the gift of Love and Logic.

When parents do all the thinking, they rob kids of the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and send the message that the kids are not capable of figuring things out for themselves. Give your kids the can-do message: Let them do the thinking. When they learn from their mistakes they build character, strength, and confidence.

However, this is not absolute. This does not apply when it has to do with loss of life or limb. In these situations, parents must intervene.

There are other situations when I would be willing to rescue a child from a mistake. It really doesn’t hurt to rescue a child who is usually quite respectful, appreciative, and responsible. It feels good to help this kind of person and it can actually help reinforce relationships.

On the other hand, rescuing a demanding, unappreciative, and irresponsible person never feels good. And it does nothing to develop relationships and only reinforces irresponsibility.

Jim Fay

“That boy is going to be the death of me. He never listens. I tell him and I tell him, but do you think he cares what I say? No, not in the least! I don’t know how he is going to learn if he never listens.”

We’ve all heard a parent who talks like this and, like us, you might think to yourself, “Now we know the problem—too many words.”

How old were you when you learned to shut out your parents’ lectures? Lectures didn’t work for our parents, and they will seldom work for us. They don’t even bring out the best in our spouses.

The best rule of thumb is:

• Keep it short.
• Keep it polite.
• Make it a question.

Here is an example of how you might start a conversation with your kids. “I noticed that you were being a bit snippy with your friends when we were in the car. Do you ever worry about losing their friendship because of that?”

It’s possible you might get a snippy answer like, “No, besides it’s none of your business.”

Instead of lecturing, stick with your polite questions, delivered calmly and with empathy. “Oh, that might be true, but if not, do you have a plan? Good luck.”

Polite questions get kids thinking.
Lecturing shuts the door to listening.

It can be a supreme challenge to avoid lectures and too many words when your kids are pushing your buttons.

Jim Fay

When kids bring home disappointing grades, parents are often upset and respond with frustration, lectures, and even anger.

The first thing to remember is that the responsibility for a child’s grades belongs to the child, not to us. Although it’s easy to blame ourselves when kids perform poorly, it’s very important for our mental health, and for the mental health of our kids, to remember the following points.

• We can’t do the learning for our children.
• Many highly accomplished individuals faced academic challenges in their youth.
• Always respond with genuine empathy and understanding.

Here are two examples that contrast typical parental responses, one delivered with anger and frustration and the other delivered with empathy.

This…
“Look at these grades! These are unacceptable!”

Or this…
“Oh man! I bet these grades are really disappointing for you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. The good news is that this doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”

This…
“How many times have I told you to get your homework done, and you ignored me! I am sick and tired of reminding you! You're grounded!”

Or this…
“Oh man. I can understand getting too busy to remember to do your chores and your homework. What do you think you can do to help you remember your homework? Let me know if you want some ideas.

Dr. Charles Fay

Many times, parents call us in desperation with difficult problems that their kids have caused, problems that clearly need consequences. Then they ask us to help them find an appropriate, logical consequence. Sometimes they even ask us where they can find a list of appropriate consequences.

There is a reason you won’t find such a list in any of our materials. We believe that effective discipline involves far more than simply picking the right consequence from a list. It involves building and maintaining loving relationships so that: (a) kids are less likely to rebel, and (b) they experience genuine remorse when they blow it. It also involves setting effective limits, sharing control within these limits, and teaching skills so children are prepared for life’s tough challenges.

With this said, there are a variety of consequences that often outperform all others. These are often called “restitution.” We at Love and Logic refer to restitution as the “Energy Drain” approach. Performing restitution means to restore. It means to make things right by performing any action that repairs the inconvenience or damage inflicted on others.

It’s the preferred type of consequence because it:

• Leaves kids seeing they can solve the problems they create
• Requires real thought, action, and learning
• Builds healthy self-esteem and efficacy
• Meets the need to reconnect when relationships have been damaged

Although it’s not always possible to repair a physical object, it’s almost always possible to replace energy drained from another person. Having kids replace the emotional voltage they sap from others is our approach of choice, particularly with youth who feel poorly about themselves and need to feel that they are capable of doing good.

The next time your child drains somebody’s energy you might want to experiment with saying, in a calm and empathic voice, “This is so sad. What an energy drain. How are you going to replace that energy?” Then provide some options, such as:

• “Some kids decide to do extra chores.”
• “Others decide to wash the person’s car inside and out.”
• “Some decide to stay home instead of being driven to practice.”

Be positive and thankful about their energy replacement efforts. Don’t try to make them feel bad, and don’t be surprised if they appear to enjoy replacing your energy. Kids don’t have to feel horrible to learn from restitution. In fact, many will feel good about it. When this happens, it often translates into fewer battles for everyone involved.

Dr. Charles Fay

Dear Ingeborg,

Have you ever thought about what a blessing it is to be a good thinker? Now I'm not necessarily talking about being a genius or intellectually gifted. I'm mostly referring to being able to use good problem-solving skills and good old-fashioned common sense.

As this world becomes ever more complex and temptation-laden, it becomes more and more important that we teach our kids how to build their mental muscles. Listed below are some quick tips.

• When your kids ask you for help, encourage them to try a bit longer before you jump in to help them. The only way to really learn good thinking skills is by having to figure out some things on your own.
  
  
• Ask them as many questions as possible. Examples include, "What else might you try? What have you seen other people do to solve this problem? What would happen if you tried ______? Where might you learn how to do that? Is that something you could learn about in a book, by asking someone, or by looking on the internet?"
  
  
• Allow them to mess up. Too frequently, we step in and tell kids exactly what to do when we worry that they might make a mistake. When the consequences are small, allow them to blow it and learn.

Dr. Charles Fay

When parents call us in the middle of a crisis with their kids, they sometimes lament the lack of a parenting manual. Unfortunately, kids don’t arrive with an instruction manual, and parents usually rely on the way that their parents raised them. This usually results in repeating the collective mistakes of previous generations.

We believe that there are certain critical elements that should be in every parent’s toolkit, and every parenting manual should contain them. What would a parenting manual look like? From a Love and Logic perspective, here are some elements that should be included in a parenting manual.

Parents need foundational information about the mental, physical, psychological, and spiritual development of their children. Understanding the overall developmental process is critical for knowing how to respond to the many changes that occur as a child grows and develops into an adult.

For kids to grow into successful adults, they must learn to be responsible for their own behavior. This requires that they experience the positive and the negative results of their behavior and their decisions. Only by parents allowing them to experience the consequences of their behaviors will kids learn to make good decisions.

Brain health is extremely important for proper development as children grow up. Most parenting resources do not address how to combine parenting techniques with a knowledge of brain health and its overall importance for mental health.

As kids develop, they need limits and rules. Firm and loving limits will help kids develop responsibility, resilience, positive social skills, and overall good behavior. When parents provide healthy limits and rules, kids usually grow up with fewer mental health or other behavioral issues, such as anxiety, depression, or substance abuse.

A comprehensive parenting manual will also address specific topics such as technology use, misuse, and addiction. Technology is a constantly evolving issue that is best addressed by developing a positive relationship between parents and children, and by establishing appropriate limits and controls around technology use by kids.

Dr. Charles Fay

Recently some concerned parents called us about their son and some poor choices that he made in school. They were seeking advice regarding how they initially approached the situation, which included lectures about what he must do to address his behavior. Through our conversation, they learned that listening might allow them to help their son learn from his mistakes. Listening might also shed light on the underlying problem that led to his poor choices.

Our brains are amazing organs that give us the ability to do marvelous things, including the ability to speak and communicate effectively with each other. These same brains can also be triggered by external events that cause us to speak and communicate ineffectively, such as by responding with anger, threats, and lecturing.

Most parents have a part of the brain devoted exclusively to lecturing kids about doing the right thing, eating the right way, doing their homework, and making sure their chores are done. For most adults, this part of the brain remains dormant—until we are confronted with what we perceive as outrageous behavior on the part of a child. As a parent or teacher, have you ever been amazed at how easily and automatically a good lecture rolls off the tongue?

One of the fundamental principles of physics is that every action has a reaction. This principle can also be applied to our brains. When lecturing starts, kids are immediately triggered and become defensive. They react by shrinking their learning and listening abilities.

We can learn much from our mistakes as well as from those made by others. Over the past 47 years, we’ve noticed that successful parents and educators understand the following concept:

The more words we use when kids are misbehaving or acting irresponsibly, the less effective we become.

Instead of lecturing, successful parents and educators have learned to ask open-ended questions in a calm and empathetic tone of voice. Kids test us to see if we will love and accept them regardless of what they may do. When we show them empathy and ask open-ended questions, three important and powerful things happen.

First, open-ended questions show others that we can and want to understand their viewpoint. Second, these questions encourage people to do plenty of thinking. Open-ended questions create a lack of closure deep within the psyche. Humans yearn for closure and they sort of go nuts when they don’t have it. Even when our kids don’t answer our questions verbally, their subconscious minds can’t resist the urge to give them plenty of thought. Finally, it gives us the opportunity to listen, to demonstrate that we understand, and to express empathy.

Some examples of open-ended questions include:

• What do you think about how you’re doing in school right now?
• What are your ideas on whether bikes, like your new one, ever get stolen?
• What are your thoughts on kids experimenting with drugs?
• How do you think some kids put themselves in danger while chatting on the internet?
• How are you going to pay for that toy? (When a toddler takes a toy off a shelf at a store)

Listening to our youngsters’ opinions—even when they’re silly, strange, or downright scary—dramatically increases the odds that they’ll listen when it’s our turn to speak.

Think about it—do children have control over whether they listen to us, even when we don’t give them this control? You bet! Do stubborn kids know this? Definitely! Whenever we pretend to have control over things we clearly do not, it erodes their respect for us and creates a battle they cannot resist.

Some of the best opportunities for listening instead of lecturing occur when kids do the unexpected.

Dr. Charles Fay

Technology is a wonderful tool when used appropriately. It is amazing to me that I can use my phone to conference with coworkers and clients from almost anywhere in the world. I am also extremely thankful for the GPS system that guides me turn by turn to where I need to go. Without this high-tech resource, I’d be lost. Technology is awesome and I am a great fan of it.

However, technology can be terrible when misused. There is much evidence suggesting that heavy tech usage, such as with phones, internet, social media, video games, can increase the risk of anxiety, depression, impulsivity, substance abuse, and more. This is an especially worrisome problem with many of our kids today.

Although the basics of parenting remain the same, rapidly evolving technology involving cell phones and the Internet have left many parents wondering what limits are appropriate, how to hold their children accountable for misuse of technology, and how to help kids learn the decision-making skills required to make healthy technology choices when they leave home.

There is good news! Even though these modern issues can be very challenging, we can achieve positive outcomes by applying some age-old parenting truths:

• Kids need limits
• Limits are best set through actions instead of hollow threats
• When kids make poor decisions, they need to experience natural or logical consequences
• Consequences are always more effective when loving empathy is provided first
• Our kids will learn how to live their lives by watching us

Listed below are a few examples of essential limits related to devices and technology:

• You may have your tablet only if there is no arguing when I ask you to shut it off.
• Feel free to have a cell phone when you can pay for the entire cost.
• We allow kids to have their internet-connectable devices only if they check them in with us each night. We’ll return them in the morning only if there are no problems.
• I’ve met plenty of good people who’ve ended up doing bad things on the Internet. That’s why your mom has all my passwords and is free to see my history. You may have this device only if you do the same. Everyone needs someone to hold them accountable.
• I’m shutting my phone off so that I can give you 100% of my attention. Thanks for doing the same.

Dr. Charles Fay

Many years ago, I learned an important lesson about fast food, focus, and the finality of many decisions we make. Rushing out of a fast-food restaurant, I placed the sack with my lunch on the roof of my car, unlocked the car, and drove out of the parking lot. Perceiving the honking of other drivers as pure road rage, I proceeded upon my way. It was amazing how long that meal clung to the top of my car before it flew under the tires of the pickup truck behind me.

Our lives are full of decisions and their desirable, or sometimes undesirable, consequences. Undesirable consequences aren’t punishments, they are just the natural outcome of our decisions or actions. Nobody removed my lunch from the roof of my car to make me pay for my lack of focus. It was just a simple consequence of my being in a hurry and not focusing on what I was doing.

Love and Logic believes that consequences are critically important for helping all kids learn to be responsible for their behavior, actions, and decisions. Consequences delivered without lectures, anger, or threats can be a powerful way to help kids learn the relationship between what they do and the results of what they do.

Sometimes customers ask if consequences should be used with kids who have experienced trauma or have other challenges. People who care very much about these kids are sometimes reluctant to use consequences with them. They believe that consequences will be perceived as punishment. We agree that punishment, sarcasm, guilt, anger, and other negative practices do not work.

We also believe that depriving kids of the opportunity to learn from their mistakes will not empower them toward victory and healthy self-esteem throughout their lives.

We disagree that consequences (or “results”) aren’t appropriate for kids who’ve had trauma, but caution that their effectiveness depends on how closely attached they feel toward the adult and how the consequences are delivered.

Positive relationships form the foundation of all effective discipline. The safety and security this provides will allow all children to begin seeing the connections between their choices, actions, and resulting consequences. Kids who’ve experienced trauma also need to experience the results of their actions, even when it doesn’t appear they are making the connection. As they experience the calmness and trust of loving attachment relationships, this cause-and-effect learning will begin to happen.

When delivered with love and empathy, logical consequences help provide accountability. In many cases, an element of restitution can give a child the chance to feel like he or she “made it right.” Loving accountability can help kids feel the following:

I am loved.

I am competent.

I can solve problems.

All kids thrive when they embrace these beliefs.

Love and Logic’s Four Steps to Responsibility is a time-tested technique for helping kids learn to be responsible through experiencing consequences. 

Dr. Charles Fay

Recently a parent called us in exasperation. Every interaction with her child ended in arguing, defiance, and disaster. Even though she was trying to do her best for her child, everything she did was ineffective.

How often are caring, effective parents required to make decisions unpopular with their kids? Which of the following do you feel rings truest?

a. Never

b. Once a month

c. About once a week

d. Every day

Some of us are blessed with easy-going children. Although some people deny the existence of such youngsters, they really do walk the earth. With these win-win personality types, our parental popularity polls often look fine.

Our approval rates often hit the skids, however, when we find ourselves blessed with the strong-willed variety. When parenting at least one of these tigers, it often feels like the limits we set are creating one hissy fit after another.

By the way, “hissy fits” take a variety of creative forms, including huffing, eye rolling, arguing, laying guilt trips, slamming doors, refusing to listen, etc. Is it possible that this type of behavior shows that we are on the right track?

When we do the right thing with challenging people, it almost always feels like the wrong thing in the short term.

It’s often much easier to give in and appease challenging kids. It’s not a good long-term strategy, but it does give us the illusion of well-being. Parents committed to the Love and Logic approach prefer tackling reality head on:

• They understand that great moms and dads must often do the unpopular thing.
• They know strong-willed children will dominate—and self-destruct—without loving boundaries.
• They remind themselves that childhood is a far better time to learn about limits and consequences than adulthood.
• They resist feelings of discouragement by remembering that they are making investments that will eventually yield multi-generational rewards.

If you are parenting a strong-willed, exceptionally challenging child, take heart. At times, the battle for their hearts, souls, and minds can seem impossibly fierce. But you can do this, as long as you remember the following:

Success in parenting is not determined by how many skirmishes you win, but by the consistent durability of the love and healthy limits you provide.

Dr. Charles Fay

Last week we provided some tips for helping your kids realize their full academic potential. These included handing the responsibility for learning over to your kids, always using empathy, and looking for underlying issues that might hamper their ability to learn.

This week we have some practical tips for helping kids with their homework and inspiring them to believe in themselves and their abilities.

Guidelines for Helping Your Kids with Homework
There’s nothing wrong with parents providing help as long as kids do their own homework. It is natural for parents to care about their children’s homework, but they should follow some basic guidelines so that they can help in productive ways and avoid common pitfalls. Here are some examples.

• Provide help only if your child wants it from you.
  Parents should not force help on their kids without giving them the option to decline the help. It is very important that they have a sense of control over their work.
• Help only when you know your child is listening to their teacher.
  Kids sometimes do not pay attention in class and simply rely on getting help from their parents at home. Ask your child how the teacher described the homework and how it should be done.
• Help only as long as there is no frustration or anger.
  Your goal should be to create an atmosphere that will develop and maintain positive feelings about learning. Anger and frustration will destroy this atmosphere and interfere with learning and your relationship with your child.
• Provide help in short segments to allow them to see themselves succeed.
  If parents are always sitting with their kids while they do their homework, kids will eventually believe that they can only succeed with their parents beside them. Give guidance and support but move away and let your kids work on their own and discover solutions on their own. This is the only way to help build their confidence in themselves.

Teach them to think like they are high achievers
Only when kids believe in themselves can they truly achieve their highest potential. Here are some steps to help kids learn to think that they can succeed.

• Catch them doing something well.
  This can involve any part of their homework, such as spelling exercises or math problems.
• Ask them, “How did you do that?”
  It is very important to avoid praising them for their success—simply note that they did something well.
• Give them some possible reasons that they succeeded.
  For example:
  “Were you working hard?”
  “Have you been practicing?”
  “Did you try different approaches?
• Ask them what they think is responsible for their success.
  It is very helpful for kids to speak about a reason for their success because it helps them internalize the belief in their success.

When kids love to learn, they will naturally realize their full academic potential and their potential throughout their entire lives.

Dr. Charles Fay

Instilling the love of learning is one of the most beneficial gifts that parents can give their kids. The fruit of this gift is academic success, and ultimately success in life. When parents perceive underachievement, they often respond with threats, lectures, and various punishments. Although this is based on a desire to help kids succeed in their schoolwork, and can work in the short-term, it usually ends up causing them to feel resentment, anxiety, and ultimately a feeling of hopelessness.

Understanding how the brain works and how it learns, as well as what can interfere with learning, is important for understanding how to motivate kids to learn. By combining the principles of Love and Logic with the insights and techniques gained from the realm of neuroscience, parents can learn the best ways to help their kids learn. Here are some basic tips that can help you with this goal.

Hand the responsibility for learning to your kids
Handing responsibility to kids is based on The Second Rule of Love and Logic: When a child causes a problem, the adult hands it back in loving ways. Schoolwork is the child’s responsibility and parents can’t, and should not try, to do the schoolwork for the child. When you follow this principle, kids will naturally make mistakes. Letting kids make mistakes and learn from them is one of the fundamental techniques of Love and Logic.

Always use empathy and reasonable, logical consequences when using consequences
Anger, threats, and lectures shut the door to learning. In contrast, empathy will open the door to learning. Parents must keep in mind that, even when the correct words are used, an angry tone of voice when delivering those words supersedes the message. An angry tone will cause the child’s brain to shift immediately into an anxious state, and, most importantly, shut down the rational part of their brain. Only sincere empathy in every communication can avoid this negative consequence.

Consider underlying causes for underachievement
After parents have tried Love and Logic and other strategies to motivate their kids, there might be other underlying causes for lack of academic achievement. These can include various general health problems (for example, infections or a poor diet) or specific brain-health issues. Keep this possibility in mind and seek professional help to investigate what might be causing the problem.

Instilling the love of learning in our kids can at times feel like an unsolvable puzzle. Part of the solution is remembering to hand the responsibility for learning over to your child. When your child experiences a setback with their academic endeavors, always respond with empathy. If nothing is working, search for general health or brain-health issues.

Dr. Charles Fay

Loving our children and our students requires that we first take care of ourselves in loving, unselfish ways. That’s the First Rule of Love and Logic!

The Two Principles of Love and Logic can guide you toward fulfilling your role as an effective parent or educator. The first rule is that adults must set firm, loving limits using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats. The second rule is that when a child causes a problem, the adult shows empathy through sadness and sorrow and then lovingly hands the problem and its consequences back to the child.

Too frequently, we are led to believe that “good parents” and “good educators” should sacrifice their own needs to serve their children. While this sounds sweet and exactly how good parents and teachers should act, trying to accomplish it can deplete our love reserves:

When our bucket is empty, we have nothing to give.

Love and Logic is not about being narcissistic or selfish, it’s about giving kids the gift of having patient, encouraging, relaxed, and enthusiastic role models.

Set limits to avoid becoming a doormat.

Effective people set limits by describing how they will take care of themselves, not by telling others what they should do. For example:

I do the extra things I do around here when I feel respected.

I listen to students when their voices sound calm like mine.

I ______ when I don’t have to hear complaining or arguing.

Dr. Charles Fay

It’s hard to believe that school is just around the corner! Many veteran educators agree that kids who are accustomed to family contributions (AKA Chores)—without reminders, pay, or arguments—are more respectful and motivated at school.

In my book, From Bad Grades to a Great Life, I discuss how these contributions meet an essential human need—to feel needed. When kids learn to do them, they will feel like they are part of the family team. They will also learn self-control, perseverance, and delayed gratification, traits essential for academic success.

Love and Logic’s ABCs for Responsibility

With our approach, thousands of parents have seen their kids become responsible for their contributions—and improved academic performance. Here are the simple steps:

A: Assign meaningful contributions to every family member. Ask yourself, “What am I doing that my kids could do regularly?” Many parents find it helpful to post a list on the refrigerator, with names next to each task. Give reasonable deadlines instead of saying, “Do it now!” Saying, “Just have it done by ______,” gives you time to decide what to do if they refuse or forget.

B: Be quiet. Avoid reminding or nagging. Kids who need nagging to do chores will likely need nagging to do their schoolwork.

C: Consequences with sincere empathy will teach. If kids refuse, forget, or do chores poorly, do the task for them and, with empathy, expect them to repay your time by doing some of your chores, staying home instead of being driven somewhere, etc. Sincere empathy, rather than anger, creates responsibility and prevents resentment.

When you see your kids working hard on a chore, as long as they still work harder than you, you might experiment with offering to help them. This rewards their effort, provides bonding time, and increases the chances they’ll help you when you’re older.

Using these strategies, parents can foster responsibility and motivation in their children both at home and in school. 

Dr. Charles Fay

Do your kids wipe their feet on you like a doormat? Do you ever find yourself grieving because you've lost the dream of having kind, appreciative kids?

You're not alone, and there are steps you can take to begin turning things around.

• On a daily basis, remind yourself that you deserve to be treated with the same level of respect with which you treat your kids.

  Maintaining this attitude of self-respect gives us the intestinal fortitude to expect respect in a respectful way.
  
  

• Don't move on until you've neutralized arguing.

  This means repeating something like, "I love you too much to argue," instead of getting pulled into a debate.

• When you become good at neutralizing arguments, begin setting small yet completely controllable limits.

  Pick small issues that you have total control over. Then set limits you are prepared to enforce. For example: "I'll get that for you when I hear 'please.'"

• Remember to model an assertive, respectful and empathetic, attitude.

  When we've been treated badly by our kids, it's easy to fall into the trap of providing consequences with a "get-even" attitude. If we do, our kids will sense this and rebel.

  Since you've already mastered the ability to stay out of arguments, you'll be prepared for your child's reaction.

• Begin to set progressively larger limits.

  When our youngsters begin to see that we can handle smaller situations without backing-down or losing our cool, it becomes easier to set and enforce limits over big issues.

The key to rebuilding respect from our kids involves proving to them that we can handle them without getting frustrated or angry.

Dr. Charles Fay

Many times, parents call us after a particularly unpleasant conversation with their child, which has ended in a vicious cycle of angry words. The First Rule of Love and Logic is intended to help parents circumvent this unhealthy cycle by avoiding the use of anger, lectures, threats, and warnings.

Underlying this basic Love and Logic rule is an understanding of how our brain works. We have a thinking part of our brain (centered in the prefrontal cortex) and an emotional part (the limbic system). How we interact, and how a conversation goes, depends to a great extent on which part of our brain we are using—our thinking brain or our emotional brain.

If parents react to their children’s inappropriate behavior with a response stemming from their own emotional brain (for example, responding with anger), they simply trigger a similar response from their children’s emotional brain. With kids, this is often manifested as defensiveness, rebellion, and anger on their part—not to mention the flurry of unpleasant words!

Here are some examples of comparisons between responses from our emotional brain (anger) versus responses from our thinking brain (empathy).

Emotional:  Anger creates resentment and rebellion.

Thinking:  Empathy increases the odds of genuine remorse and responsibility.

Emotional:  Anger sends the message that, “I can barely handle you!”

Thinking:  Empathy demonstrates that, “I’m such a great parent that I can handle you without breaking a sweat!”

Emotional:  Anger triggers a defensive response and creates kids who get sneaky and do irresponsible things behind our backs.

Thinking:  Empathy creates kids who are more likely to behave, even when we aren’t watching them.

When parents get into the unhealthy habit of nagging and repeating themselves, their anger builds inside. By the time they finally follow through, they’re too angry to think straight! Wiser parents learn to set limits and follow through quickly, without using too many words. Because problems are handled with empathy and reason (think Love and Logic!), parents can remain calm, allowing their kids to think reflect on their behaviors and decisions—and learn from them.

Dr. Charles Fay

Healthy self-concept is only developed when children encounter struggles in the real world, learn how to overcome these struggles, and then see themselves acting in respectful and responsible ways. Stated quite simply, self-concept is an inside job.

Because of its undisputed importance, people have spent tremendous energy trying different approaches to give kids a healthy self-concept. In fact, psychologists place a huge emphasis on the importance of having a positive self-concept and rightly so! How we feel about ourselves may be the single most important factor affecting how motivated we are to succeed in school, the types of friends we select, the person we marry, and our general well-being throughout our lives.

Here are some examples of Self-Concept Builders and comparable Self-Concept Stealers:

Builder:  Focus on children’s strengths.
Stealer:  Focus on children’s weaknesses.

Builder:  Expect children to work for most of the things they want.
Stealer:  Give children everything they want.

Builder:  Set loving limits and expect children respect them.
Stealer:  Be afraid to set limits.

Builder:  Show children that arguing and manipulation don’t work.
Stealer:  Get pulled into arguments and power struggles.

Builder:  Guide children to own and solve the problems that they create.
Stealer:  Rescue or punish children when they create problems.

Builder:  Avoid lectures and repeated warnings.
Stealer:  Use lectures and repeated warnings often.

Parenting style is a critical component of helping kids develop a healthy self-concept. Even though Helicopter Parents (parents who constantly rescue and protect their children) and Drill Sergeant Parents (parents who constantly order and control their children) appear to have dramatically different parenting styles, they both rob children of opportunities to learn from real-world experience. Either they are rescuing them from those opportunities, or they are controlling their response to those opportunities.

Consultant Parents (Love and Logic Parents), on the other hand, help their kids develop a healthy self-concept by guiding and allowing their children to encounter and learn from struggles in the real world. In other words, they use Self-Concept Builders instead of stealers.

Dr. Charles Fay

It seems that more and more kids are suffering from the effects of trauma in their lives. Our hearts ache when we hear about children being hurt. A social worker, with over thirty years of experience working for her county’s Child Protective Services, put it well:

“After all these years, it still hits me in the gut. I mean the things these kids go through. I still find myself thinking, this sort of stuff just can’t happen—it can’t be real. No child should have to go through these things.”

Neglect, abuse, and other traumatic experiences can cause kids to live chronically in a fight or flight mode. This can make it very difficult for them to think reasonably when they face challenging situations, such as when a parent or teacher is trying to hold them accountable for their actions.

Over the years of teaching Love and Logic to parents and educators, we have learned that when an adult provides a strong message of sincere empathy before holding a child accountable, they are far more successful. With sincere empathy, the child can stay out of the fight or flight mode and learn from the consequences of their actions. This is especially important when working with a child who has experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect, and who is constantly in a fight or flight mode.

Because we care, we hate the pain kids with trauma have experienced and we yearn to help them heal. This motivation is wonderful. But we must also recognize that feeling sorry for kids isn’t the same thing as loving them and empowering them to heal. They need empathy, not sympathy. Here are some guidelines for helping to understand the difference between sympathy and empathy.

Sympathy
“Feeling sorry for” someone can lead us toward unintentionally sending the unstated message:

“This is so horrible that you’ll never be able to cope and find joy in your life.”

Empathy
“Loving” someone means purposefully sending a very different unstated message:

“I can’t imagine how much this must hurt.”
“I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m here for you. I believe in you.”

When trying to decide if you are acting with sympathy instead of empathy, keep the following questions in mind. Which style, sympathy or empathy, is the most likely to result in the adult eventually feeling burned out and even resentful toward a child? Which style is more likely to result in the child feeling manipulated? Which style is about the adult’s feelings? Which is about the child’s needs?

Working with kids who have been traumatized can be very challenging. Love and Logic can be used to help these kids learn to be responsible and learn from their mistakes. However, professional support counselors, therapists, or psychiatrists might be needed to address the underlying trauma.

Dr. Charles Fay

A recent article published in the Journal of the American Educational Research Association reported that teachers across the world feel undervalued and unappreciated. Teacher Appreciation Week is May 6-10 this year, and we encourage parents to show appreciation to teachers for their continued dedication to teaching our kids. This year we will look at some ways that parents can show gratitude to teachers throughout every school year.

The Best Gifts for Teachers
One way we can send a big thanks to educators is by helping our kids view all teachers with great respect. A powerful strategy for achieving this goal involves allowing our kids to overhear us talking positively about their teachers. You’ve probably noticed your children’s eyes glazing over as you’ve tried to lecture them about some essential truth. In contrast, you’ve seen how closely they listen when they see that you’re trying to have a private conversation! Experiment with this:

At least twice a week intentionally let your children overhear you saying something positive about their teachers. Do this for the rest of the school year.

All dedicated educators want to be appreciated for their hard work and long hours. It’s amazing to realize that teachers can take classrooms full of kids with different needs, abilities, behaviors, and troubles and turn them into high-powered learning teams. Teachers deserve to be appreciated for this miracle!

Another gift we can give them involves our own parenting. The most wonderful display of our appreciation is to send them students truly ready to be respectful, responsible, and eager to learn. No doubt this gift also benefits our children, who will rise to the top when equipped with such character attributes. In addition to letting our kids hearing our positive comments about their teachers, here is list of a few additional things you can do to help teachers help your kids succeed:

• Ensure that they are doing chores without reminders at home, so that they know how to do assignments without reminders at school.
• Allow very little time with technology, including video games, texting, surfing the web, watching videos, television, etc. These activities make it more difficult for our children to remain calm and content at school.
• Have family meals together, where you enjoy each other and talk about all the things you’ve learned during the day.

Love and Logic has many resources that can help the teachers of your kids. Our books, curricula, and audios for educators can help them truly manage their classrooms with ease, which will allow them to focus on their passion—teaching and instilling the love of learning in your kids.

Dr. Charles Fay

This big question sits heavily on the hearts of countless parents, and the answers often seem confusing and elusive. After decades of studying research and working with families (as well as being humbled by my own children), I’ve learned many parenting lessons the hard way.

I’d like to share one of these lessons in a story about a rebellious and unhappy son. Ethan and his parents represent thousands of parents who have benefited from Love and Logic over the years.

Ethan’s parents were growing more exhausted by the day. He’d developed a nasty habit of making negative comments about everything they said. Chores were not getting done, homework was suffering, and he complained incessantly about his deplorable living conditions—the Wi-Fi was too slow, his phone was too old, and the parents of his friends were far more understanding and compassionate.

Ethan’s parents were baffled. Being kind and conscientious, they tried even harder to provide a consistently comfortable and love-filled daily experience for Ethan. Fretting, they wondered, “What else can we do? Our son is so unhappy and disrespectful, and even disobedient! What can we do to improve our relationship?”

A friend of many years shared some wisdom with them:

“He’s acting this way because he sees you as weak.
He doesn’t respect you because you don’t expect anything of him.”

Though provided out of love, their friend’s remarks stung. As their pain subsided, mom and dad began to see the truth in it. As a result, they set a strong limit over what they would provide and under what circumstances:

“We are happy to do and provide extra things for you when we feel respected and you are completing your chores.”

As you can imagine, Ethan’s initial reaction was not positive. But as the days passed, Ethan’s parents were surprised to see a happier and more respectful kid. They remarked, “It’s true! Kids do need, and want, the loving leadership of limits.”

Have you seen this story unfold in your life? Have you witnessed a friend who discovered that avoiding conflict with their child was merely creating more of it?

For decades, Love and Logic has focused on helping parents transform kids like Ethan into adults who are responsible, resilient, and respectful.

Dr. Charles Fay

Spring fever can be life threatening. In general, teenagers face more and more serious, potentially life-threatening decisions than a generation or two ago. These decisions, combined with the vacations and parties that come during springtime, can challenge the most sensible teenagers.

Fortunately, there are some simple, time-tested ways that parents can help their teens make cool decisions as the weather gets warmer. Here are four suggestions based on Love and Logic that can help you.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking teens no longer need their parents.
Because their adolescents are becoming more independent, many parents believe that it’s okay to leave them without supervision for hours on end. Nothing could be further from the truth. Wise parents understand this, and they recognize teens still need a watchful, yet friendly eye.

Set enforceable limits.
Teens need and want limits. However, instead of telling your teens what they should do, experiment with telling them what you will do or what you will allow. For example, instead of commanding your teen to be home on time, try saying, “I share the car keys with those who come home on time.”

Hold them accountable with empathy and logical consequences.
Providing consequences with anger, lectures, and threats will result in defensiveness, creating teens who think, “When I make poor decisions, it makes others really mad. I better not get caught.” If anger is replaced with a genuine dose of empathy or sadness, teens will realize that, “When I make poor decisions it makes my life really sad. For my sake, I’d better make wise ones!”

When you are too angry or worried to think—delay the consequence.
We are human and there are times when teens can throw us completely off balance. When this happens, buy some time by saying, “I’m going to have to do something about this. But not now, later. Try not to worry.” Take some time to calm down, think rationally, and get some ideas from friends.

Thousands of parents have used these principles, which are based on Love and Logic, and found that their parenting has become much easier and more effective.

Dr. Charles Fay

One of my passions is helping kids become life-long learners. Love and Logic believes that a genuine motivation to learn stems from internal curiosity, not from external coercion in the form of lectures or threats.

If we focus on character and the love of learning, academic success will come naturally. The following suggestions are dedicated to creating happier homes, where children are free to fall in love with learning and parents no longer dread homework hassles.

Each evening, set aside a time for family learning.
This is a time for your children to do their homework while you model the value of learning by enjoying a book. The best way to create a love of learning in your kids is to show them how much you enjoy it.

Avoid battles by offering choices.
Research shows that children are more likely to do their homework if they are given many small choices. For example:

"Would you rather do your homework right after school or wait until four o’clock?”
"Are you going to do your homework in your room or at the kitchen table?”

Help only when your child really wants it.
There is nothing that creates more homework battles than parents who “help” when help is not wanted. Your child’s desire to do it alone is a very healthy sign of independence and responsibility. Try asking:

“Would you like some ideas about that, or would you like me to leave you alone?”

Spend most of your time noticing what they do well.
Successful parents spend 99% of their energy noticing what their kids do well. They say things like:

“Show me the very best letter you made today. You really worked hard on that!”
“Look at that math problem. You got it right!”

It is very important to avoid focusing on what your child does wrong! Allow your child to get help in those areas from their teachers.

Help only if it’s enjoyable for both of you.
Too frequently, homework help turns into a homework battle. Smart parents back out of the helper role as soon as they sense conflict brewing. Try hugging your child and saying:

“I love you too much to help if it means we are going to argue. I know this is hard. Good luck.”

Help only if your child is doing most of the work.
There is nothing more destructive than stealing the struggle of learning by doing too much for your child. Say the following to yourself over and over again:

“This is my child’s homework. Not mine!”

Each time they achieve something difficult on their own, their self-esteem soars and they are better prepared for the real world.

This topic is so important to me that I devoted an entire Love and Logic book to helping parents instill the love and learning in their kids.

Dr. Charles Fay

Parents desperately try to control their children’s behaviors by using commands, threats, and warnings. Over the years, I have seen many parents issue repeated threats and warnings, with the inevitable result that their kids simply ignore them and continue misbehaving.

It’s easy and convenient to threaten in the hopes that it will work. Occasionally it works in the short term. However, this is much like playing a slot machine. With an occasional payoff, we are tempted to continue to play the game. Unfortunately, we all know that the slot machine usually wins in the long run. And kids usually learn to ignore hollow threats.

Unfortunately, kids who are conditioned to ignore threats and warnings from their parents as they grow up will eventually lose in the long run. They become conditioned to require more and larger threats in all areas of their lives.

Parents who use warnings and threats soon wonder why their kids ignore their teachers and others in their lives. Kids who ignore the advice of teachers soon fall behind in school. But why should they listen to them or others? They don’t have to listen to their parents.

What a shock it must be for kids who grow up like this to discover that their bosses don’t give a lot of reminders and warnings. How unfair this must feel to young adults. I’ve seen many young adults lose their jobs. They view their employers as totally unfair and complain that they weren’t warned about the impending loss of the job.

Do your kids a favor. Tell them what you expect just once. If they don’t respond or remember, allow a reasonable consequence to follow. When they complain, simply say, with genuine empathy, “Not to worry, I’m sure your listening will get better.” Parents who run their home this way will get many rewards in the future, and their kids will benefit in the long run.

Dr. Charles Fay

Those who understand Love and Logic know that sincere empathy is the cornerstone upon which the entire house is built. It’s the gift that allows our children to learn wisdom from life’s trials and tribulations, rather than developing discouragement and resentment.

However, many parents who call us find empathy very challenging. Some are exasperated and tell us, “Empathy is the hardest part! Too often my own frustration and anger get in the way.”

Why is empathy so important? Empathy demonstrates love and love provides hope.

Hope provides the motivation our kids need to choose what’s healthy rather than destructive.

For over forty-five years, the Love and Logic message has remained the same:

Hope and pray that your kids make plenty of affordable mistakes when they are young.

Hold them accountable for these mistakes with sincere empathy.

Do this so they can learn when the “price tags” are still small.

Providing empathy requires that we tolerate messiness rather than trying to create a sanitary life for our kids. Empathy is messy but it is necessary for developing the attitudes and skills required for adult success.

Deep in our parental hearts is the wishful dream that our children will enjoy a fairytale life. A life where all issues are resolved cleanly, and they live happily ever after. Ironically, this well-intentioned urge often makes it more challenging for us to provide empathy when our kids need it the most.

Lectures, threats, frustration, and anger provide an illusion of control, a fleeting sense that we’re getting something done.

Empathy requires a strong conviction that we cannot fix others, but that life’s challenges are gifts that build maturity. It is only through empathetic responses can we reach our kids and help them to learn how to handle life’s challenges.

Dr. Charles Fay

Many parents have told us how the principles of Love and Logic have helped them raise children who make good decisions, who are loving and responsible, and who are fun to be around. These principles are based on time-tested psychological concepts that are simple to implement, yet powerfully effective—they are the foundation of Love and Logic’s approach to parenting. Here is an overview of some of these Love and Logic principles.

Mutual Dignity. Love and Logic believes that mutual respect and dignity are critical for teaching children how to treat others. Children learn this by how we treat them, and by how we allow them to treat us. This requires setting limits that allow us to take good care of ourselves and the people around us, including our children.

Shared Control. Power struggles between parents and children are fundamentally about control. When we try to exert control over others, we lose it, but when we share control, we can gain it. Children become happier, more respectful, and stronger when they learn how to handle life’s consequences. They learn this when we allow them to learn how to make responsible decisions through having plenty of small choices and living with the consequences of their choices.

Shared Thinking. Enabling children to think about the consequences of their choices is a lifelong gift. By sharing the thinking process with them, they learn how to think on their own and solve their own problems at an early age.

Sincere Empathy. When we respond to children with anger and frustration, they will respond with defensiveness and defiance. When we respond with empathy, there is a much better chance that we will encourage them to think about their behaviors and consequences. Nothing works without empathy!

Loving Relationships. By following these principles parents will naturally develop a loving and mutually respectful relationship with their children. Kids learn to see their parents as both powerful and loving, and they are much more likely to grow up and become respectful, responsible adults.

By combining these principles from Love and Logic with neuropsychiatric practices for improving brain health from Dr. Daniel Amen, parents can raise children with healthy brains and hearts, children who will grow into responsible, respectful, and resilient adults.

Dr. Charles Fay

Few things can tear at our hearts more than hearing our kids say, “I’m stupid.” At first glance the following parent seems to be right on track:

No, you are not stupid! Think of all the things you are good at. How about reading? You’re good at that! And remember how much you improved in baseball last summer. Stupid kids don’t learn how to hit curve balls like you did. And your art is wonderful. If you were dumb, would you have been able to learn how to create those drawings with such wonderful three-dimensional perspectives? I don’t think so!

At second glance, we realize that this well-meaning parent is lending credibility to their child’s remark by spending so much time and energy addressing it.

Listed below are other tactics that have created selfish kids rather than ones with a good sense of self:

• Constant praise
• Ensuring that they are always the center of attention
• Making sure that they never encounter any hardships
• Buying them everything they want
• Rescuing them from the consequences of their misbehavior
• Setting no limits so that they can “express their creativity”

Instead of using these tactics, consider employing a much simpler approach, one that avoids unintentionally reinforcing your youngster’s self-deprecating remarks. The most effective parents smile, pat their child on the back, and give this sweet and simple response:

Aren’t you glad I don’t believe that!

For truly improving self-concept, there’s only one approach that really works in the long term, and it’s based on the age-old truism:

The best way to feel good is to do something good.

When parents place a high emphasis on good and respectful behavior, children look at themselves and think, “I act pretty darn good and responsible. I must be pretty darn good and responsible.”

True self-concept is developed when children encounter struggles, are taught how to overcome those struggles, and see themselves acting in respectful and responsible ways. Stated quite simply, self-concept is an inside job.

Shaping Self-Concept, one of our most popular audios, teaches a very special type of love. It’s the type that allows our kids to struggle, lets them work through their trials, and guides them toward independence instead of insecurity.

Self-concept is also important for empowering your kids to handle teasing and bullying, which is the topic we'll be sharing tips about in next week's free virtual event, When Your Child Is Teased or Bullied.

Reserve your spot for this free event

Thanks for reading!

Dr. Charles Fay